My thoughts on the last 2weeks...

I haven't really had a chance to upload my thoughts on the Labor and what has gone on in the last 2 weeks. It's ironic that I had more posts when I had to trek to a bus stop over muddy roads and creeks, ride a cramped bus for 1 hour, and pay for internet at an internet cafe where the connection was SUPER SLOW.

My thoughts:

Peter and I read and educated ourselves on the birthing process, and did a bunch of other things that made us think we were ready for the final stretch of the journey we began a couple months ago.

WE WERE WRONG!

I don't think anything could have prepared us for the emotions, fears, pain, and joy that we've felt in the last couple days. Throughout this pregnancy, especially towards the end, I heard (various times) "you'll know" as a response to many of my questions. During labor I heard it more than I ever though possible. I'm still hearing it now too. It is apparently the answer of choice for people who don't have other words to descibe something. For example: When I asked, How to you know you're having contractions? How do you know you've lost your mucous plug? How do you know when to push? How to you know when your milk is coming in? ....the answer was always the same.

A little about the labor process:

It was SO LONG AND PAINFUL! More difficult, more physical, more intense than I ever imagined. I thought that I was going to be more physically adpt to TAKE ON the labor process because I have trained and pushed my body to it's limits for many years. But now I realize that the idea of my "limits" was VERY MISTAKEN. Every hour that pasted on thursday brought pushed me a little further beyond what I thought I could handle. Early Friday morning I realized what my limits were and NICO actually PUSHED RIGHT THROUGH THEM. He forced me to dig deeper and work harder than me, anyone in DELIVERY ROOM 4, or anyone watching thru the Ustream thought humanly possible. He believed in me so much, that he bet his life on it.

Peter and I planned on having a natural vaginal birth without pain medication. We thought that it would be the best for Nico. We didn't know that the process would be so long and draining. When we arrived at the Hospital Thursday morning (9am) I was already having contraction that were between 3-5 minutes and I was 5cm dialated. My doctor thought that we would have our baby soon, well we all did. I started having stronger contractions by the early afternoon. My doctor, Kathy, said she would be back to check on me around 4:30pm. I could have bet my life that Nico was coming out before.

A couple hours later, contractions were still 1-3 minutes apart really strong, 6cm dilated...and no baby coming. When the midwife checked me at 8pm and told me I was 7cm dilated...I felt like a bucket of cold water was dropped on me. I was in so much pain and I wondered how i could possible be so far from 10cm. The contractions were really strong and continuous. sometimes i wouldn't get breaks between them. This was affecting Nico's heart rate. The nurse gave me some medicine to slow the contractions down a little to give Nico a break. Around 10 pm I couldn't take the pain anymore. In tears and exhausted I asked, more like screamed, for an epidural. I had to wait 30 minutes for an IV to be put in me. Then the doc came in a punctured me. I kept thinking: this is going against everything we have learned and discussed for the last couple months! But thinking back on it now, I don't think I could have continued without it. I fell asleep for about 1 hour which seemed like 30seconds to me. When I woke up, the pushing began. I tried crunches, I tried pushing on my knees, I tried pushing sideways, I tried pushing with stirrups, I tried pushing flat on my back, I tried pushing by squatting....NOTHING worked. Nico wasn't coming down and I was only 8cm.

The Midwife suggested calling Dr. Schmitz to come in and see if she can help out with forceps. Again...this was against what Peter and I had planned.....but at this point, I just needed HELP. She said that she thought she could help me have Nico. 8 women looking like smerfs flooded the room with a bunch of rolly carts, gauzes, and metal things in baggies. I was in so much discomfort and so tired that it was all a haze. I could barely see cause I had an oxygen mask on my face. She organized her salad tongs, the women positioned me on the bed with the stirrups and then...I pushed for what seemed like an eternity. In the midst of everything, my legs started jerking as Dr. Schmitz hit nerves in my hip with the forceps. Finally...I heard commotion. Peter, my mom, my dad, the nurses...all told me that he could see Nico's head. For all the pressure and pain i was feeling, I would he was completely out already. A couple pushes later...riping his was out...his head came out, with his umbilical cord wrapped around his head...TWICE. The Doctor told me NOT to push anymore. Peter cut the cord 2 times. Then the doc gave me the okay to push the shoulders out, they weren't as painful as the head. I was shaking, and exhausted, and worried cause I couldn't hear him crying. In the midst of the shuffling in the room, I heard a little cough..It was Nico!

My parents and Peter saw him first and walked over to me and told me he was beautiful and perfect. I didn't hold him right away cause his heart rate was really high. After they cleaned him at the little baby area in the room, they put him in my arms like a little burrito. I will never forget how he smelled... nothing like I was expecting....Then again...NOTHING HAS BEEN ANYTHING LIKE I EXPECTED.

Peter went with the baby to the nursery to check him out, clean him up and measure him. While they were gone, I pushed the placenta out and got sown up with a couple stitches. I even got a little FOOD! A little while later I gathered my things with my parents and got wheeled over to the RECOVERY area of the hospital, by this time is was 4:30am.

Since then...

The hospital days were rough. I was in pain and sore and tired and my nipples were bleeding....and the idea that I was actually a mother was slowly sinking in. In part I was scared cause I realized that now there was a LIFE that depended ON ME! I cried a lot.

In the last two weeks, as he has been getting stronger, so have I. I can walk normally and sit up in the bed. We have learned what helps to stop his crying. We have gotten a lot better about feeding. It's not as painful as the first couple days when I had that shooting pain up my arm to my fingers....a pain that would make my toes curl. Nico lost 1 pounds in the days following his birth....but gained it back once my milk came in.

Nights and days have merged...only to be divided by tiny naps.

I find myself staring at Nico for a lot of the day's hours....looking at his million faces, at how he frowns and focuses when he's pooping, at how he crosses his eyes to look at things, at how he flails his arms around, at how he stretches his arms and legs out, at how he shakes his lower lip when he cries....and how he sleeps so peacefully. He is beautiful and i'm so in love. This love causes me to wake up in a bolt at the sound of a hiccup, and make dermatologist appointments for bumps i feel.

Every day I realize how lucky I am for having Peter at my side to help me through this. He is the greatest dad and the most loving and concerned husband. He reminds me to take care of myself, nap, take walks, relax, and eat...it's funny the things you forget to do.

It's hard and exhausting...but it's amazing to think that there is a little person in the world that we are in charge of helping, nourishing, and protecting. I love him more than I ever thought I could...and I've only known him for 2 weeks.