Peace Corps Journal Entries--As true then as NOW.

Looking through my Peace Corps Journal, I found 2 entries that I just have to share. This poor marble composition wide ruled notebook is falling apart, but it holds a written account of all the emotions I was feeling and things I was thinking while abroad. Going back through it has given me a chance 'walk through that path again'.Here is part of the entry for 5/1/09:

“...I called Peter when we got back to the bus meeting place in Chorrera(the bigger town near my training community of Santa Clara de Arrijan). I really miss him and love talking to him. I want to tell him that I keep thinking about: What if we do end up together? type of questions. I have thought about having kids and what kind of dad he would be. I know it’s weird so I wouldn’t tell him but what if he the one and he slips away while I'm here. Will I just be a little less happy w/o him or will we have our fairy tale happy ending? I do hope so b/c he’s what is getting me through. I don’t think he realizes how much I need him and need to hear him say things like: I love you, I'm waiting for you, there’s no one else like you, I can’t wait to see you, I want to be with you forever. I know it sounds crazy but just thinking that he might say these things makes all these things I'm experiencing here so much more bearable. I wouldn't want to lose the best man in the world for trying to do something good in the world....”

I also want to share part of the journal entry for 07/05/09:

“...I started reading Walden & Other writings by Henry David Thoreau. Peter and I got similar books about a year ago when he was in Chicago but I was never able to get through it then. Yet now I think I’m in the right mind frame for it. Thoreau went out to Walden for 2 years =), like me. He wanted to see just how simple he could live his life. I feel like we have a lot in common. When he moved away, he began to build with his own hands the little one-bed roomed cabin on the shore of Walden Pond like I will soon be doing. He was determined to meet himself face to face which is what I hope this experience will help me do.
My favorite quote so far is: “He was also, though no one is likely to forget the fact, writing, for Thoreau was born writer, which means both he had a gift for using words effetively and that he had an irresistible need for self-expression.” I share that disease as well, I might not have his gift of using words but I definitely share the need for self-expression. I want to be understood, I want to be heard, I want to be read.
I have a feeling I'm going to love this book and that it’s going to take forever to get through if I keep analyzing all the different parts it has.
Another quote I've thought about a lot is: “Most men, it seems, are to some extent disappointed and discontented. We complain of our luck, lament that we did what we did or did not do. Things might have been better had we been born somewhere else or under some different circumstances, we missed our chance;did not get our deserts. We are trapped in a life which we should not have chosen. The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”.
He believed himself to be that very rare thing, a happy man, and he had no regrets. I’ve seen this despiration all around here in Panama. It’s in their hands to make CHANGES as it is in our hands too. I came here because I didn’t want to sit and let life happen to me, I didn’t want to say that I missed my chance!Everyday is a challenge, and every morning I wake up and realize that I too am a rare thing, a happy woman that has NO REGRETS.”

Both these entries are as true then, as they are now.

Here I am married to a man who has confirmed that he is a far better dad than I ever imagined and who is still helping get through things, calming me when I allow myself to get overwhelmed, making me laugh at silly things, and inspiring me to be better and do more everyday. I continue to describe him now as I did then to my friends who asked me about Peter:“..So inspiring, so cute and knows exactly what to tell me when I need to hear it. I love him for that and for just being there-always-so dependable, loving, and encouraging.” Obviously this blog is evidence of that desire and need I have of self-expression. And I can still agree that everyday is a challenge, but every morning I wake up and realize that I, too, am a rare thing, a happy woman that has NO REGRETS.