Somethings got to give...Goodish Wife, Great MOM.

GREAT MOM VS GREAT WIFE.

A saga that lots of women blog(Good Wife/ Great Mom), tweet, and Facebook about...to vent or get ideas on how to IMPROVE their WIFE grade before they lose that title completely. Some advice on there is the importance of communicating. Others say get a NANNY and a MAID. There are a couple who are in denial and think that they are AMAZING at both...and there are a few others who say...you'll never be both-give it up!

Ever since the day I found out that I was going to be a mom, I tried to make it my goal to be a GREAT MOM....2 weeks later I found out I was going to be a wife...and SINCE THEN I have also been trying to be a GREAT ONE.

I have come short at being a GREAT wife...I think Peter would even say it's a stretch for me to characterize myself as a GOOD wife. It's just hard to turn off "mommy mode" and switch over to "loving wife". Now that Nico is walking around, he needs to be worn out, if not NAPTIME will not happen. DINNER time isn't as easy as it used to be and nights in which Nico sleeps through the night night are few and far between...due to molars making their way out. To top it off, I need to prepare the lessons for classes, update attendance records, and coordinate with"Patti's Schedule". I have been feeling exhausted...and that's even without out running (running for the first time in MY LIFE--has LOST its time slot). Peter has also been tried from his whole laundry list of things to do, bills to pay, visits to schedule. By the time I finish making dinner sometimes, he's out cold.

I know I'm not the only woman to ever experience this struggle: good wife vs Great MOM. However, unlike a lot of women, I didn't really get ANY practice being just a wife before beginning the juggling act. I am not victimizing myself or trying to excuse myself in any way. I am just stating a fact. That being said, I also know that whether or not I had practice doesn't change my current situation in any way.

I just wished that I had more examples around of how balanced married and parenting lives are-to learn, watch, follow their example, ask them questions. I haven't found too many living proofs that BOTH can be equally attained. There are those who are much better wives than mothers and vise-versa.

I guess I should have known that I would have been in this predicament since I have always, burned the candle at BOTH ENDS...like Montalvo would always say. I tried to be an EXCELLENT STUDENT and EXCELLENT ATHLETE and in high school I was able to do it, but in college it became harder( my classes suffered until I switch focus and then my running sufferd) when I tried to throw other things into the mix. Same now. Its hard enough trying to be housekeeper, wife, mother, and then now employee too...I can't be great at all of them--yet if I'm not, the apartment is a tornado relief zone with booby traps everywhere, Peter feels unloved, Nico gets sick or vomits or simply left unattended, and at work, things pile up on my desk, my students don't learn, and I don't get re-hired for other classes. Something has to give....I guess I'm not like ALL those women who CAN DO IT ALL! Sometimes is just so crippling when I realize that there is JUST ONE OF ME! Notice that in that list there wasn't even space to include MYSELF!

Like I posted the other day, I've been reading "And Never Stop Dancing" by Dr. Gordon Livingston. They other night I started reading chapter 5, It's easier to be angry than sad. He wrote some very valid points that spoke straight TO ME...and he doesn't even know me!!

"Everyone knows how unhelpful-even unhealthy suppressing feelings can be. In couples therapy, people come in with the idea that somehow expressing unrestrained anger of the sort that is manifest in many bad marriages will "clear the air" and pave the way for reconciliation. Fact: Anger begets Anger. It is very difficult when one is being attacked to respond reasonably. When I inquire about the way people habitually communicate with each other, what I hear are stories of repetitive conflict in which each person feels a continual need to defend themselves. Usually these battles begin with criticism.....Here is my argument: If an agreement can be reached to withhold criticism, the emotional tone of the house shifts. The relationship changes from one in which the primary task is keeping score of the other person's transgressions to a COOPERATIVE enterprise in which each member of the family has an investment in maintaining enough order that things can be found and guests entertained. What is eliminated are the passive-aggressive behaviors that represent the defensive response of people who feel powerless and aggravated. Kindness begets kindness.

By the time couples come to see me, they usually have a sense that something is wrong with how they habitually interact....Behind the power stuggles, hostility, and the score-keeping of our transgressions that are a result of our discontent, lies the profound sadness of failed expectations. 'This isn't what we signed up for.'...

Just behind the anger are two emotions that are much harder to express-fear and unhappiness. Both of these very common human feelings are seen as weaknesses and are hard to tolerate for long. one way to escape them is to get mad and allocate blame. If we can find a target, we can indulge our outrage and assign responsibility for our misery to someone else. Now we are a victim...we now have reassurance that what has happend to us is NOT OUR FAULT.....

If you cannot change the people around you, you can at least have the satisfaction of surprising them.

That chapter was loaded...with side notes, highlighted statements, and thoughts. I have a lot to process and work on to improve my Wife grade. But my focus now has to be to leave the booby traps and the work aside, and balance Nico/Peter attention more evenly, if I want to keep my family. I have never failed a class before...I'm not gonna start now. Sometimes I wish I had that the clarity that comes with LONG NAPS, CLEAN HOUSE, and LONELY HEART could be contained in an easy to access shelf, or better yet, be put into a pill. I'd pop one in every day if I could. Maybe then I could be the person I want to be! That person that inspires, radiates love, and is TRUELY great at being a WIFE and MOTHER!

I know life hands you lemons sometimes and you are supposed to make lemonade...but wouldn't it be nice if every once in a while life would just hand you a glass of lemonade with a note saying:

"Thought you had a lot on your hands, so we went ahead and made the lemonade for you. Please sit back and ENJOY!"